Tinkering With Fear
- August 2007
- Uncategorized
I can’t stay off of the Diamond right now. Last Wednesday, Jacob and I hiked to the summit with Brendan (the friend who taught me to skydive). Friday after skydiving, Jacob and I went back up to bivy and climb Pervertical Sanctuary in the morning. There had been a light snow, and the Diamond was gorgeous with little white snow patches on the face.
Climbing with Jacob is always a delight, and I felt relaxed and happy as we cruised up the beautiful crack systems. 
We climbed fast and efficiently, reaching the top at 10:30, just as the sun started to move off the face and leave it COLD. Perfect timing, because we could just walk off the top, down the north face, and down the Camel, staying in the sun all the time, rather than doing the rappels on the cold face.
But, as always recently, I wondered to myself about fear. Why do I feel completely unbothered with a rope on, making long run-out pitches with huge fall potential? Is it because I know I could put gear in, if I really wanted to? Or is it a more illogical feeling of safety because my body senses the harness on my waist, and the weight of the rope under me, even if it wouldn’t do much for me if I choose to climb with very little gear?
Last time I free soloed the Diamond, I felt kind of afraid on the 5.10 crux pitch of the Casual Route, though it had seemed easy and mellow when I had climbed it the previous day with Jacob, placing no gear. I’ve been thinking about fear a lot recently, what with all the skydiving, and having been in a free solo groove since last June. For some reason, I am much less afraid of things than I used to be. Partly, it’s because of the unique place I’m at in my life right now, but I think it has a lot to do with skydiving also. I feel pretty sure this freedom from fear is not the result of a death wish–after all, I did get scared that time on the Diamond, so that would imply that I was afraid of falling and dying–but rather something else, some deep feeling of confidence or maybe nonattachment that I haven’t had before. I’m not sure exactly what, or why, and I am wondering about it a lot.
As Jacob and I walked down, I decided I should come back up after a skydiving day, and free solo the Casual Route again. I wanted to see if I would feel more relaxed this time, as the last time I started a little too early, and was cold and tense as I climbed. I suspected the fear came only from that, but I wondered if I was actually afraid of the free solo. I figured if I climbed it again, eliminating the early start and cold, numb feet, I could find out for sure. There really is no reason to be afraid–I know that the more relaxed and loose I can be free soloing, the safer I am.
Monday morning, I did a late “alpine start”, leaving the Longs Peak parking lot at a quarter to 5 a.m. I was shocked and delighted to see no one on the Diamond at all, only one party climbing on Chasm View wall. I’ve never gotten to climb on the Diamond and have it all to myself. What a treat!
Except for the clouds rolling overhead, and the strong west wind (which might explain the lack of people), it was perfect. The beautiful little snow patches I had enjoyed seeing on the face two days ago had melted, making the large flakes on the traverse pitch into water dishes, as well as most of the cracks all the way up to the crux. Yet, I was warm and relaxed, and felt totally happy and calm, all alone on this beautiful, quiet face.
At the top, I sat for a while and watched the clouds roll over, until raindrops started falling on me. Good timing!
Walking down, I thought more about fear. Really, I should have been much more nervous soloing the Diamond pretty late in the morning, with a storm forecast and stormy conditions rolling in and wet rock. But I felt totally comfortable, relaxed and confident–like things were going to be fine for me, and I would reach the top safely. I was free to enjoy the touch of the pink and gold granite, and the positive edges and cracks under my hands and feet. I’m starting to think it’s all about relaxation, and good feelings inside. I love the Diamond, so much, that it’s hard for me to even express it in words. I feel happy there.
Life has thrown some hard curveballs at me in the last year, and coming out of that dark time, I’m so much less afraid of things than I’ve ever been. I see now that bad things often happen for a reason, to bring us to a new place. This freedom from fear seems to have brought me to a new place in climbing and also in my life, to a place I never even knew existed before…..
wow. great post. i can’t even imagine what it feels like for you now.
HI Steph,
I hope this goes through…weee
First off, I think that you are awesome and quite an inspiration! I was in Estes for the first time, with my non-climbing parents, for a wedding a few weeks ago and wow! you are so lucky you get to live there. I was wishing Gavin could have been there or a friend so we could have explored more! Remember a bit ago, I wrote about the climbing lull thing? Well I took some time off and noticed how depressed I really was once I began crack climbing again. I love it. But sometimes we need that break to really understand what and why we love. I also realized that nothing can keep you in shape for climbing like climbing, period! and I also, for once, have met some great gals who also love to crack climb out here in Oregon which will be helpful for my confidence since I have depended so much on Gavin in the past. While he is great and all, I want to be more independent and self reliant when it comes to climbing. Anyways..thanks for the inspiration! Keep writing..
hugs to you! Sarah
ps. what is you favorite thing to eat on the the trail and back at camp?
I’d love to hear how your ruminations on fear develop. Fear seems always rooted in the Unknown for me, and soothed by the familiar. It seems best expressed in questions – will this move work, will that jam hold, is this placement worth anything, what would this place be like in a storm? Most often answering the questions is joyful for me, but how to react to the occasional painful, disquieting answer?
Thanks for writing, all of you!
Easiest things first: Sarah’s question about food…..usually I eat Mixed Nuts Mojo bars on climbs, or when I’m out and about. I don’t eat refined sugar, and like things that aren’t too sweet, especially when exercising. For some reason, I never get sick of those, and they’re easy to grab.
Obviously, I’ve been thinking a lot about fear. The question of the unknown is very real. One way I work on fear is to become comfortable with things that seem frightening or overwhelming. The more times I do this, the more I see that fear is not a reasonable emotion in those situations, and it starts to fade.
Right now, I’m seeing fear as a great limiter of my freedom. The more I can erase it, the more freedom I can have. Looking straight at things that are scary, and trying to take the fear away from them, seems to result in powerful liberation. When feelings of fear arise, if I just blindly allow them to exist, I am controlled by an emotion that is probably just reflexive and usually counterproductive. If I learn how to prevent or override the fear feelings, I can rise above limits.
One big question I ask myself recently is, why should I be afraid? Am I afraid of losing something? Of dying? What precisely is so scary about those things? Do I really need to be afraid? Does being afraid help me in any way? Letting go of fear results in unimagined freedom.
xx Steph