The Fear Chronicles 1
As you may know, I’ve been running crack climbing clinics in Moab and Indian Creek for the last 3 years now. When people register, I ask them what they are most interested in learning. Invariably, at least one person (and usually a few) says, “I want to learn how to deal with fear when climbing.”
I also receive a lot of interview requests from people as diverse as Bulgarian climbing websites to airplane magazines to yoga studios to weed growing journals, and the one question everyone asks is: “You do a lot of scary things. How do you deal with fear?”
Apparently many folks think I’m particularly brave, I have no fear, or I have some simple formula I use in order to not be afraid while doing scary things. I think you know where this is going….I hate to disappoint people 🙁 However, it’s true that I’ve been doing things that scare me for a very long time, and so far I’m still around to think about them. I’ve also lived through some of my worst fears. So I have spent a lot of time dealing with fear and trying to understand it.
Here’s what I know about fear right now: it’s the opposite of love. It’s confusing. Sometimes it helps you, sometimes it hurts you. Not doing things because you’re afraid makes you a slave. Doing things solely because you’re afraid makes you a pawn. If you don’t figure out how it’s influencing you, you will either be trapped and unhappy or injured/dead. You have a relationship with fear, and that relationship will change for the rest of your life. Thinking about it and talking about it will help you to understand that relationship.
Recently I noticed how much I talk about fear with my friends–amazing athletes who are doing extremely terrifying things on a regular basis. And I know too that I think about it by myself a lot. So my idea is to do some posts here where I share with you some of these ideas. I’m telling you upfront that I don’t think there really are any answers, but anyway we can talk about it.
What do you think?
Fear is just like tired; they’re with you all day and usually one replaces the other. I start at the base of a long multi pitch route and I have that uncomfortable feeling, a lack of confidence, an awareness of everything that can go wrong. But the search for good feet, and the right line, and the pocket for gear pushes the fear into the back ground. And it stays there until something starts to go wrong. I’m in s stance, fiddling with a cam, and my hold hand starts to pump out. I either make it through or I don’t (and take a fall…maybe). After that, tired takes over and it’s too much to feel them both. That afternoon, usually on the down climb, or in the car driving home, or sometimes the next day, I think about the climb again and I get little spasms of fear again. Along with thoughts like, “I can’t believe that. .. or what if that happened. .. Thank God I’m ok. .”
Then, a week later, I’m driving back to the mountain to do it again. What the hell is wrong with me.
I’ve heard that the most dangerous period in a skydiver’s career is just after his or her first 100 jumps. After getting comfortable with the gear and the act of plummeting through the air, complacency settles in, which inevitably expands the room for error.
As a relatively new climber, a big fear of mine is that as I get used to the routine of managing risk and get comfortable with trusting gear, that same complacency will creep over me and I will start to cut corners because I will feel comfortable taking on more risk while not actually being experienced enough to weigh that risk. Do you have any advice or experience with the phenomenon of complacency and good tips for maintaining humility as your experience grows?
Steph, I’ve climbed for a couple decades. The thing that held me back on lead, for a long time was fear. You know how it is, just not able to trust gear enough, your own skill placing gear, or just generally a fear of falling. It took me along time to start getting over it, and about that time I started climbing with poise, calm, and confidence. Then I got hurt at work falling from a scaffold. It messed me up physically, and more so mentally. It was so bad I could barely climb a ladder. It’s been about 10+ years since that happened, and just recently the fear seems to have subsided and I’ve been out solo tr’ing some stuff.
I’ve got a Masters in psychology and I can tell you it didn’t help. Ya, fear can rule you, or it can abandon you, and as you say you end up dead or trapped. I think the things most important to me now are 1) trusting myself and my skills, 2) preparing properly, 3) keeping my mind calm and grounded in the moment when fear tries to take over. The last point has a bit of psych behind it, because we can mentally exaggerate the perceived risk and it becomes a “fear spiral”, as I call it. Anyway just food for thought and discussion.
Be Safe, Live Long, Climb Hard
🙂 because that’s the joy of climbing
great question, thanks: this will be good to talk about in the next posts!
thanks Rick, i think there are tons of people out there with similar experiences. the fear spiral is definitely interesting, and a “thing”
Fabulous article Steph! I’ve climbed all over the world for 8 years, but HAVE NEVER LEAD! I’m realizing even the most amazing people have fear, and getting past it makes you stronger. You’re my hero lady!! Xoxox
Beautiful writing, Steph
For me, fear is the biggest challenge of climbing, and also what makes it so rewarding. I have a lot of fear, fear of falling, fear of getting hurt, fear of getting stuck in a rappel because of a stuck rope, and with two accidents where I hit the ground (first one, my gear ripped, second one, my belayed dropped me because the rope was too short). I know in a very tangible way that my fears can become reality. But the thing is, I love climbing, and i love leading a pitch and feeling good about my gear and my abilities, and I love also feeling relaxed in the mountains. On some days, I can overcome my fears and enjoy the mountains as a leader, but sometimes I can’t, and its ok, because I don’t want to end up dead/injured, or a pawn, as you said. Sometimes, I have to accept that today is not my day as a leader, and its ok, and still enjoy the adventure for what it is, for what I can do. I don’t and I can’t always go to the edge of my nerves. I love the mountains, I love the freedom, the beauty, the incredible rewarding nature of climbing a pitch well, safely, confidently. And I hope to do it for many years to come. I was just in the Dolomites this last month, and I hope to go back as soon as possible. Sure, the dolomites are demanding, but they are also incredibly beautiful and rewarding. And sure I was nervous and scared, it was my first time there, but I am so glad that I pushed myself and led some pitches, i even took a (pretty bad) leader fall. but it was all worth it. The thing about climbing is that it asks so much of you, but it is always so rewarding, and thats we, or atleast I, keep coming back to it.
Thanks for sharing this. On my first solo flight, I found my fear peaked. I’d be 1,000 in the air soon, and no one in the aircraft to guide me to the ground. As I taxied alone to the run-up area i swore, i cursed, why am i doing this, i should turn around. My heart was pounding. I knew there was no wayside, no place to pull over and collect my feelings once in the air.
Flying is a continuous stream of observations, decisions and actions. I was nearly overwhelmed. I set the brakes, pulled my *checklist* out, and my mastery of the process calmed me. Check, check, with each step, a reflection on my readiness. I switched the tower frequency and announced my readiness.
From the moment I was cleared for my solo takeoff, heart still pounding, my rational balancing my emotional, it was all *heart*, speeding down the runway, wheels leaving the ground, body ready to explode, kept in check with the next steps, the mastery, knowing the list, the mechanics, doing all I can, based on the experience shared by others, training, considerations, to stay alive, and in control.
and so it goes with every flight, clearing my mind, checking my emotions, am i ready, will *I* clear myself to go on, and why. Once i do I am committed to do my best.
The relationship i have with fear is a deep embrace, a descent into it, allowing fear to remind me of the joy of *living*, and the mastery of flight process, my body’s reactions, the absolute clarity that is needed to perform at *my* top ability.
I return to Earth changed each time, clearer, less attached, calm. and my personal ongoing lesson is harnessing my healthy fear in adventuring takes training, practice, equipment, discipline, courage, faith, exercise.. it takes something else, harder to explain: Having my heart in the right space.
thank you Jessica 🙂
thanks AB x
2 groundfalls is a big experience to have had: thanks Lisa
what you wrote is beautiful. thanks Alex
I would agree with what you’re saying. I think fear should make you more cautious and less stupid with your choices but not any less brave. There are so many gorgeous places I would have never seen if I had let me fear of exposure keep me rooted to solid ground. To a large degree, I’ve managed that fear and can push past it because there’s something else more worthwhile than catering to my fear. Suck it up, and keep moving. Take in the view from the anchors. Sit a little closer to the edge. It’s always worth it.
Hi Steph!
My relationship with fear is not an issue related only to climbing. However, I think, the experience of fear becomes much more immediate and intensive when climbing. Probably, because it is an instinct. It’s such a direct experience of the thin line between staying happily alive vs. getting hurt/dying.
I did never become a super good climber, but I learned a lot while doing it for 7 years since I was 18. The lessons learned there have helped me to deal with things in life generally. Like last month, when a friend of mine died in front of my eyes after falling from a tourist path in the mountains. She didn´t have the time to fear, the death came so suddenly on such a beautiful sunny day, in such terrain where we all felt safe.. Well, this is how life is – it can end anytime. This was a thing that I delt with all those years while climbing. Something what people who always avoid dangerous places might not be prepared for. (But this does not mean they are safe, it is an illusion.)
I did not fear at that moment when she fell and I stood there on the edge suddenly without her. I felt so safe there because I walked that path a 100 times in my life. I could not get to her quickly, but the rescue guys were there in 10 mins. But they couldn´t help her.. a 60m fall down two steep walls with a ledge between them… no chance. After I learned that she was dead, I didn’t feel fear or anger. And I didn’t cry. I descended down with a friend, with complete silence in my mind, emptyness and fullness in the same time in my heart. Nothing and Everything was there present in the same time.
Only later, after time passed, I stared to have negative feelings about the place – how easily one could fall there, how dangerous that is, how my body could fall there too, roll and hit all those rocks and ledges..
It is too early to say, how I dealt with that after-fear. It is still very fresh. But I can tell you, that this was a lesson – I learned, that the moment of death can be something peacefull and calm. I believe now, that it always is calm and peaceful. Doesn’t matter if you die accidentaly or in a hospital bed. And even though this was my worst nightmare that I lived through so far, at that moment I did not have fear and I also knew that she did not have it.
To sum it up, for me the fear is a negative emotion and it”s not necessarily based on reality. So I see it as a daily challenge – to deal with the fear in any kinds of situations in life (fear of losing a relative, to fear of wasting my life because of wrong decissions I’ve made, to instinctive fear before a climb or a dangerous trip)…
Enjoy every moment, enjoy it right now!
High Steph, love your blog!I’ve been climbing for 8 years and I’ll share what i experience whilst climbing.First of all I LOVE IT, I love the uncertainty of climbing which is kind of a fear from the unknown,but it doesn’t necessarily mean something bad is going to happen- I think we all go climbing knowing that at the end everything is going to be ok,otherwise we’d stay home. On a long mutipitch route I always have this “fear of the unknown”-long route…12-15 pitch,what if it starts raining in the middle of the route,what if a loose rock falls off,what if my partner or I fall off,what if I’m incapable of doing it- some fear you can deal with- other we’ve got to accept as we can’t do anything about it.
1.Long route- well you’ve checked the forecast,you know your climbing abilities and the grade of the route-you know you’re capable of doing it, stop thinking 15 pitch… think “Ok one pitch” (that’s how we start)-.same with the crux of the route-I always try to concentrate on small things-one at the time- one move,one pitch,one hour and try to fill myself with positive thoughts and this does work for me.If we keep thinking of what might go wrong it’s not enjoyable we should not go climbing and find something else instead-I know sometimes bad things happen but thinking about them is not going to help if you have chosen to climb, it will only impair your climbing and overall experience.
2.Fear of falling-well I’ve always had that, particularly when I KNOW I’m gonna fall-there is 2 options 1.Climb routes that are below your maximum grade- the thing is you’ll progress in climbing with the speed of a snail or never,but you’ll still be enjoying it
2.Accept falling,make it as safe as possible (climb hard on sport routes) and push your limits-I push my limits only on SPORT routes.
P.S I can not speak about base jumping,skydiving as I’ve never done those, I’ve tried paragliding but climbing and mountaineering I love the most.
Amazing idea Steph, thanks for sharing. Fear and dealing with it is a constant and important part of climbing and life. Enjoying reading yours and others thoughts on fear 🙂 x
Hey Steph
I haven’t really commented on your posts before but this topic got me thinking. I guess my deepest fear would be missing out on opportunities in life. I feel like my journey has only begun and as a climber I have high ambitions to travel the world and engage in all of the different cultures I find. If something were to hold me back from these experiences I would be absolutely devastated! It is a thought that plagues me, a traumatic event causing me to stay only in my home town and never hetting out there to see the world for myself. As a vegan climber with a keen interest in BASE jumping, your way of life enthrals me to go out there and achieve, just as you have done.
Many thanks
Asher Soryl
Hi Steph,
My way of dealing with fear while I am climbing is quite simple. I am singing, mentally. It gives me rhythm, joy, occupies my brain, and let my body free to interpret the choreography it has been trained for.
cheers from france ! thanks for your sharing your experience.
jean
Great idea Steph, thanks for getting this started. I recently had a really interesting experience with fear. I tried skydiving for the first time (in Moab, actually, and Ian happened to be my tandem partner). I felt pretty calm on the way up, but as soon as that door opened, it was as if someone flicked a switch, and my sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight response) suddenly kicked into overdrive. Logically, I knew this was a relatively safe activity, but viscerally, every cell in my body was screaming at full volume, telling me I was about to die. I’d never experienced that level of intensity before, even in situations that were legitimately much more dangerous than this one. It was really, really interesting to get to experience that kind of maximum fear in a safe environment.
Hey Steph.
Writing to say that I haven’t sky dived or anything, so in the context of lead climbing only. My greatest fear on a route wasn’t falling. I was at the 4th draw …
hand in a spiderweb pocket .. a little scared
see a wasps nest next to the bolt …much more scared
and see a lone, singular, incarnation of evil and terror flying near said nest – extremely scared, let go of everything, back to the ground and dislodge the nest with a very very long stick clip.
Australia…. it’s not the climbs that are scary, it’s the wasps spiders snakes and other critters that will get you first!
Eugene
maybe fear is something that should be obeyed.
When I climb, I am not afraid. I am solid in my ability to make it and that has come about from 25 years of climbing. Except for those most earliest of climbing experiences, my climbing history has been full of choosing my lead routes that where within my abilities and therefore little fear. Top ropes where the place to push limits without fear. When a grade was dominated via TR, time to lead. Granted this philosophy has not helped to reach my full potential but I am still here while many climbing brothers and sisters are not.
Fear and doubt at the base of the route may be the truth within telling you to not be there. maybe your inner truth is telling you that you are not ready. I find that I am listening to that inner voice now and not criticizing when my partner has this voice also. fear is not necessarily lie told by the mind.
This game is not for everyone and someone who dismisses that inner fear is playing a game that will not end well.
be safe brothers and sisters!
thanks Val, it is
I’m so sorry for you and for your friend Viola–what you say is all true.
the unknown…it’s maybe what we fear the most.
i am too, thanks Lou
it’s worth thinking of: what it really is we fear
yes 🙂
Hi Julia, Ian told me about your jump with Jules– I felt exactly the same way when I did a tandem skydive.
ok, yikes.
this is an extremely complex and interesting question: how to listen and how to hear when fear is there, and maybe the hardest thing for me so far
I have a rather dysfunctional relationship with fear. I’ve been rock climbing for quite a while and when I tell my friends of my exploits, both climbers and non-climbers alike think I’m really brave (although they usually refer to it using parts of male anatomy and some metal). But I’m not! I’m always scared right before starting a multi-pitch route for the first time, I often say to myself “What am I doing here?”, “Do I really wanna do this”. When it comes to approaches and descents I rope up for even 5.easy parts if they’re exposed. Its actually quite embarrassing. It makes me feel like a bit of a fraud. However, somehow, after I rope-up and start climbing it all starts to go away. Granted, I still get scared on tricky-run-out sections but I somehow end up pulling through it. When I get to the top, the memory of those negative feelings fades quickly but the good feeling of overcoming them stays with me. I think, this is in big part WHY I climb. Kind of sick isn’t it?
One of the first things I think of after reaching the summit is “What do I do next?” oh and of course: “How do I get down this dam thing now?”.
Hello Steph;
Sorry I missed you at TedxBoulder but I was able to watch the replay and was highly touched. You certainly inspire me and I’m looking forward to reading more of your Blogs on fear. You really caught me with the statement that “Fear is the opposite of Love”. It’s an interesting take, and I need to process more to know whether I’m onboard with that.
I do know, for me, that Fear can be a proper saving force, as well as a terrible foe to conquer. Breaking through fear can be very powerful, and life changing. Thanks for sharing your ideas on this, and allowing us to process through our beliefs.
Great stuff. Keep writing, and keep flying.
Ya it’s interesting, I remember reading in your book that you didn’t like the feeling of not being in control of your fate, of handing over the reigns to someone else. I found it interesting how I felt kind of the opposite – I trusted Ian and his capability, but I can’t imagine being able to trust myself enough to do a solo jump, no matter how much training I could do. I guess it goes to show that the roots of our fear often lies in a lack of self-confidence
There’s an explainable sensation that I get when confronted with fear while climbing and other things. I’m not sure what it is but I handle it well and when the feeling is gone, I crave that same mindset that the fear put me in. It’s not adrenaline, I think I just find joy when confronted with fear, it puts a smile on my face 🙂 When I free solo, the fear is gone and it’s just pure happiness that is felt within. Maybe I’m just weird. BASE jumping is my next endeavor and I’ll see how I feel when confronted with that new fear.
Great article by the way, Steph! Can’t wait for the ones still to come.
i always read and reread the descent description in the Topos. Getting up sometimes is just half the battle…
yeah, it is. but i don’t want to quit this sport, the experiences are too powerful, the mountains too beautiful, and the challenges too rewarding. somehow, the sport fills my soul.
i sing the itsy bitsy spider goes up the water spout when i am climbing…
makes sense to me 🙂
thank you Jay
that is very true
i think what I appreciate about situations like that (which I call intense) is the extreme focus they demand.
i had a little song that I made up which I used to sing when climbing alpine routes if I got nervous, but it is much too embarrassing to post.
I don’t think it’s sick, but then I share a similar mindset. 🙂 I am most cautious on climbing on walk-ins, descents, and even driving to get there. Because I know these non-climbing parts of climbing trips are the ones where people get hurt most often. The climbing itself is the joyful filling in an otherwise scary sandwich.
Hi steph,
I think there is a lot of worth in always assessing “real” risk when taking part in high-risk activities. As you mention in Chronicles 2, identifying what is “real” and “fake” fear can help your mind rationalize what you are doing and interpret if there really is danger or not. Climbing has awakened a lot of deep, intense emotions in me- anywhere from complete joy and bliss to extreme dread and fear, and all of those in between. Sometimes these extreme emotions can be mentally exhausting and draining, but I think that I continue to seek them because they are genuine and real down to the core. Climbing helps me confront my deepest fears instead of sweeping them under the rug. You state “not doing things because you’re afraid makes you a slave.” That is exactly it! When I confront and overcome a fear that I have invented in my mind, I feel complete and utter freedom. I think that a lot of us put ourselves in boxes and limit ourselves. Climbing has helped me break free of mine 🙂
That being said, I also understand the “real” risks and always double check systems, keep in good communication with my partner, and understand the environment around me when partaking in these activities.
Great discussion, thanks Steph!
And there’s just something irresistible about those high-focus situations that make some people always come back for more. Although if you do go through life fearless then you must not be living, you’re simply just existing.. fear can’t really be defined or explained, it’s something everybody must experience first-hand for themselves.
that is so often the case.
thanks Alexa
One kind of fear: I am terrified and I know it– “I don’t belong here! Don’t jump!” pretty much happens at every exit point. Another kind: I don’t realize I am scared, and I start getting angry, or stressing out about irrelevant things (“are the Rangers going to ticket & tow my car? I hate those bastards” while I am walking off of Daff Dome) Another kind: I don’t realize it, and I start humming the same short tune over and over and over again… it keeps the fear at bay on those sketchy runouts.
The craziest thing for me to realize was that I can be scared and not even know it. Sometimes, I couldn’t get over the fear until I realized it was the thing behind my emotions.
I’d be really interested to hear & learn from what thoughts your students have shared with you about their fear relationship. Thanks for this great topic 🙂