Feeling Intimidated On the Road
Dear Steph,
I read your book several years ago after my boyfriend (then friend) recommended it. I very much resonated with your outlook and change in lifestyle and was very jealous as I felt “stuck” in a job with a lot of undergrad and grad school student loan debt and needing to have pretty good sized paychecks each month to make the payments. I have them somewhat paid down now after spending years doing a job that I found very unfulfilling and am really ready to make some changes. So now my boyfriend (a long time climber) and I are making plans to quit our jobs and go on an extended climbing trip together, then make some more intentional choices with where we live and what we do for jobs that includes being outdoors. I’ve climbed with him on short trips throughout the years we were friends, always loving it but then going back to the city and “regular life” and not pursuing climbing otherwise, mostly due to low confidence and telling myself I couldn’t really be a climber unless I could be out there all the time like he was so instead I mostly hiked and backpacked in my spare time. My question/request for advice is this. He’s lived the life of a traveling climber for several years working seasonally, where I’ve been the girl leading the rather conventional life in the city. As we’re getting ready to do this big climbing trip together I feel nervous about not fitting in or relating with the other climbers we will be around. A second (and more annoying to me) concern is that he was romantic with a lot of other women climbers while he was on the climbing circuit in between relationship tries for us, and because of this I feel jealous/intimidated by the other women climbers around when we do go out climbing. Although we’ve moved past a lot of hurt and distrust on both of our parts from our past, and are solidly together now, I am unsure how to deal with these feelings. I’m 33 and feel like I will be on the older side of the inexperienced people out there as well. Not sure if you’ve had any issues with feeling like this but you are always giving good advice to people so thought I’d give it a shot 🙂 Thanks a lot! Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
Thanks for writing! Climbing is a small community. A very small community. People don’t just go away, for better or for worse 😉 As you say, that can be a challenge. I know for me, seeing my ex is sad, awkward and kind of gut-wrenching and makes the rest of the day pretty weird. Your boyfriend may be feeling like that too when he sees his ex(es), which is good to keep in mind. But then again maybe not, in which case you can just follow his lead and breeze through your day without letting it bother you at all. It’s nice to be able to have perspective.
I think more than an age thing, you are probably going to feel some insecurity in entering a different lifestyle than your normal comfort zone. Because you will see that climbers out there are ranging from 7 to 70 nowadays, regardless of experience level. I know for myself, I am always intimidated and uncertain when showing up in a new place where I don’t know anyone. But very quickly, I meet people who are friendly and comfortable to be around. You will probably have the same experience. And stepping out of your comfort zone always leads to growing and gaining confidence, not just in climbing but in everything else.
So you’re not going to not worry about these things, but I think that if you decide to make this lifestyle change you will have some good experiences, and you will have some times of doubt and insecurity. Doing it will release you from the possibility of looking back with the “what if” “could have should have” feelings 🙂
Steph
Steph,
As everyone is who comes to read your blog, I am a massive fan and always have been since my early years of climbing. When I first knew of you I found you incredibly inspiring because you were ‘untouchable’ in your abilities and aspirations and far from what I was as an early climber. Whilst I have grown in my climbing ability and experiences you are still ‘untouchable’ and still a huge huge inspiration. As I have continued to follow you through your blog and other climbing media, what you makes you different from other inspirational climbers and female idols for me is exactly what is exemplified above, that you still have the capacity to give time and advice at a human level. Its soo reassuring to know that someone as awesome as you can still relate to the insecurities and doubts of us mere mortals (this is no way a reflection on you Jennifer). I find the fact that, despite these feelings you STILL achieve amazing climbing and adventure feats, and vice versa, the most inspiring factor of all. Thank you for motivating me to push towards my personal goals, however insignificant they sometimes seem in the bigger picture of the worlds talented people. That’s what it takes to be truly inspirational. So thank you.
wow, it’s incredibly touching and affirming to read your kind and beautiful message. thank you!!!
Hi Steph! This is Jennifer! Funny thing, I never saw your reply last year, and thought at the time maybe my email was too dumb or self-depricating for you to acknowledge it (I was having some big issues with depression that I wasn’t recognizing and living with a lot of thoughts telling myself I wasn’t good enough for anything). I somehow randomly stumbled across it today, and seeing/knowing that you actually wrote back really means a lot to me! We went on the big trip, and now decided to settle down in Vegas to be able to work and be right next to Red Rocks to still climb frequently. Vegas is weird, but I do love the 20 min drive to the rocks. We lived in Astoria, Oregon before and climbing was hours away. My climbing has improved so much, and it’s one of the few things I have found in my life that makes me feel strong and focused. I started leading recently and I led my first trad multipitch (Birdland) here a couple days ago leading all the pitches. I felt like such a superstar! I did deal with a lot of insecurity on the big climbing trip last year, and it took time more time that I would have liked to realize that I wasn’t so different on the inside than other climbers after all. My boyfriend was really pretty amazing at helping me adjust and sensitive to my insecurities. I eventually recognized that I was experiencing depression, and I have been taking steps over the last several months to get my emotions back on a healthy track. It helps a lot to hear that you are uncertain and intimidated sometimes when going to a new place as well. We are all really just people working with the same “stuff” in different ways aren’t we? Again, thanks so much for writing back. It’s pretty cool that you spend so much time connecting with people who write you. Take care Steph.
-Jennifer