Thank You Friends
In the last month, I’ve received an outpouring of emails, cards, little gifts, flowers, letters, texts, tweets, facebook messages, baked goods, meals, visits, phone calls and help with everything, both from family and friends, and also from this community of climbers, jumpers and readers whom I have never met. A friend living in France drove through the night to Italy to pull me out of the Dolomites and to Switzerland to fly home, taking care of decision making, changing flights, returning the rental car, etc. I found out later that not only my brother but 4 other friends booked next-day plane tickets from the States and Canada to Italy just to fly home with me (I told my brother to cancel/refund, it didn’t seem practical–though once I got on the plane I realized why people do that). There were three friends who called me and in absolute sincerity said, “If there was any way possible, I would change places with him.”
Losing Mario is a nightmare I could never even have imagined–at least not right now. Honestly, I always thought that if one of us would die jumping or in my case, climbing, it would be me. Of course. It was actually impossible for Mario to die jumping, in my mind. I’ve heard the same from every jumper he knew or who knew of him. It’s impossible, and it doesn’t make sense. But it is.
Usually when someone dies jumping or in aviation (and at least somewhat in climbing, though loose rock and avalanches are just those wild cards), you can track the events and figure out the chain of events or the one thing that went wrong. In this case, everything was perfect. I was having a perfect morning with the person I loved the most. We were not there to push the envelope or do anything extreme. We were there to be safe and fly together like we always do. Mario followed me off the edge, I flew ahead, then I landed and I was alone. Though I was there with him until the very last seconds, I still can’t begin to understand it or find any explanation. It truly never entered my mind that the most experienced, skilled, careful and respectful jumper I’ve ever known could die base jumping, and I’m completely unprepared to have lost Mario now and like this.
As Mario’s best friend Martin reminds me, death will come to all of us at any time, and there is not always an identifiable reason when it does. Martin was in school at Polytechnique in 1989 the day the shooter arrived. And he lived through the aftermath when many other students took their lives out of guilt and grief. The students who went to class that day and the people who went to work at the Washington Navy Yard on Monday never expected that they would not come home. Sometimes awful things happen that no one could ever see coming, when we are simply living our daily routine the way we always have, and they happen to good people who have worked hard to live as well as they can.
The hard truth is that it’s only naivete and wishful thinking that makes us somehow feel we can stay clear of the end through some kind of recipe or formula or that we can ensure a peaceful death in bed at age 90 beside our spouse if we stay healthy and careful and good. That was my dream: I won’t have it. For those of us who want the world to make sense, or to at least be minimally fair, this is incredibly difficult to accept. Losing my soul mate, best friend and partner is incredibly difficult to accept. And no, nothing will ever make it better. We all understand that the only thing I want is to have Mario back, and I can never have that. But what helps me is that nevertheless all of you have reached out your hands in whatever way you can think of all the same because that is innate kindness and that is really all we have to give.
I realize I have 2 choices–not live, or live. Being the analytical person I am, obviously I have considered them both carefully. I have decided that existing in sorrow, in a half life, is not a choice.
Right now, it’s kind of like this:
“When life instantly and drastically takes you completely by surprise, the first reaction is confusion. If one minute you’re following a normal routine in an airplane, motors roaring, and a couple of minutes later the plane crashes and you’re on a raft, lost and adrift in a vast, loud silence, the disorientation is, at best, intense. Then a new world unfolds. You need time to understand and figure out what’s happening.”
Louis Zamperini The Devil at My Heels
I’m working on adjusting. I’m running, base jumping, climbing. Doing hangboard workouts. I ask myself what Mario would do: I’m painting the outside of the house. I bake. I read lots of books about people who have endured. Moab Base Adventures is operating–no tandem jumps anymore, that was something that only Mario could do here in Moab, but I’m continuing to base guide and instruct and of course continue my Indian Creek clinics. I’d always thought about offering women’s specific base instruction, and interestingly enough several women are coming for it this season.
I’ve been quiet here for a while, but thank you for continuing to send me your questions and thoughts about the things we love to do (especially gear and food questions, which I am going to answer, and the pictures of your dogs and cats, which make me smile each one!), and for your kind thoughts and patience.
Much love,
Steph
We all love you Steph; so sad that you had to lose Mario so unexpectedly.
you are an inspiration <3 just know that love and good vibes are being flowed in your direction from all over the world – and keep doing what you are doing – inspiring and LIVING <3
Sending love and best wishes to you at this difficult time of your life. Stay strong, and keep living life because your loved ones would want you to be happy and find peace.
Sending thoughts of love, peace, and harmony your way. Your are an amazing creature and a true inspiration.
As a long time fan of yours, my heart and thoughts are with you. Thank you for sharing your strength and your life. Wish I lived in Moab I’d lend a hand with your house painting.
John
all the best to you Steph!
inspirational words, so sorry about your loss. You are an inspiration not only to me but so many woman. You are amazing and beautiful. Stay strong.
Keep on truckin. What else can we do?
I cry when I see your two smiling faces, so full of love. 1) Because of your loss, and 2) Because I want that for myself. It’s inspirational, and it always will be. I want what you “have”…and I say “have” because I know it cannot be taken away from you, not by anything. Thank you for having that, it’s a shining light for me.
One day at a time. We’re sending love and light from all over the world. Good luck with everything. And if I ever choose to learn base jumping, it will be with you!
Wow, Steph, this is the first I heard of Mario’s death, having met him last year at Indian Creek clinic, I am shocked. What a gentle, loving spirit, and it breaks my heart thinking of your loss. Sending much light and love your way,
Colette
sei grande Steph.
Steph,
After hearing about Mario I told myself I would never base jump if the best jumper in the world died from doing it because I cherish my life too much and it is too much of a risk. (Not that jumpers don’t cherish theirs, but I like my ropes! :-P)
After reading this I realized that I had been living in my own ‘formula’ for life. You just used my own argument against me and I suppose you showed me that the impossible is possible and I can’t live my life expecting something to be the way I want it to be. Life can be taken from us at any minute, so I better live it!
Best wishes and thanks for the inspiration,
Lauren
we love you steph! You are an inspiration to young women all over the world!
You are such a beautiful, strong, inspirational woman. Sometimes difficult times make us forget that, but I hope you won’t. We are sending prayers and positive energy for you from all over the world.
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I think that one of the question faced by many in this world is “why am I here?”… It is clear to me that you inspire so many, including me, with your drive, skills and uniqueness… but also with your humanity and sensitivity. This resonates to me as a definite answer. Love you Steph.
The best advice I’ve received from my mother is to continue doing what I love to do and life will work itself out. you seem to know this already. I have and will continue to draw inspiration from your steadfastness and strength. I wish only the best for you and will continue to send thoughts of comfort and love.
-Sarah
I don’t know that I’ve ever commented on your blog, but I check in sometimes and was so incredibly sorry to read about Mario. You are such an inspiration to me, and the strength and courage that I so admire in you is evident in this post. Sending you love and well wishes from California.
-Nina
Rest assured that you are carrying on in a way that Mario would have wanted and been very proud of.
Live Steph!. Thankyou for you book Learning to Fly I read it a few months ago and it helped go through a very difficult time in my life. I lost the most important person in my life 8 years ago. And nothing can fill the whole this person left in my heart. But he would have wanted me to live. Because more than anything he loved and enjoyed life. And yes I will send you a picture of my amazing cat!. All my love.
Thank you for sharing your reflections and for continuing to choose to live life; surely Mario is proud of you for your determination to live the life you both chose to pursue.
A smile for you from Daisy.
A smile for you.
You have always been an amazing climber, BASE jumper, and adventurer, and I’ve admired you so much for your contributions to those sports, as a woman and just in general. But through your many achievements I never realized how beautiful and strong you are as a person, not just an elite athlete. You are an inspiration. I am grateful for the support network you have surrounding you, for you sharing this heartfelt and beautiful piece, and most of all that you will continue to LIVE even after this tragedy. You are amazing, Steph, and I love you for it.
So very sorry for your loss.
Well all adore you Steph. Always will. Live.
Sorry for your loss. Wish you the best!
Thank you for sharing and continuing to inspire us all.
You and I have never met (though I’ve been adventuring around Moab since 1986), but it’s clear I’d enjoy it if our paths ever cross. I’ve enjoyed the occasional exchanges we’ve had here (gear, vehicles, etc.), and your site is one of those places that helps keep me inspired during the Colorado winters. Your words about the gift of kindness ring especially true for me right now, as my community goes through something that’s hard to describe in any encompassing way. For what it’s worth, you seem like someone who has a set of tools that will serve you well as you make the adjustments you have to, difficult as they might be. Take care…
I send my heart to you…
My sincerest condolences for your loss Steph and I truly appreciate your words of wisdom and strength through such a tough time. Keeping busy doing what you love with some many amazing projects is something very healthy and is definitely something your soul mate would want you to do.
Steph, you are one of the most amazing women on this planet. Keep living strong as you and Mario have inspired us all to do and to live each day fully. You radiate the energy and soulfulness that makes this globe such a bright and beautiful place and the rays of Mario will always shine down. Love, light and blessings your way. We are all with you Steph
Carry on in his name.
Pepi and I send our love.
I could not even imagine such a loss. I do appreciate your perseverence, honesty and your love of life. You a very inspiring person. Thank you.
You are an inspiration. Sending you love from Salt Lake.
Hi Steph,
So sorry for your loss. I know nothing I can say will help, but I am sure time will help all things.
Richard Floisand
In the presence of the ineffable, the incomprehensible, the infinite, there can be no response, except, to always remember, and to look forward, to go onward. I mourn your loss Steph, even though I’d never met either of you (I did have some tandem basejumping plans…). Good luck to you, to us all.
Thank you Steph.
…Kintsugi… when the Japanese mend a breakage they agrandize the damage filling it with golden dust. They think that when something has suffered a damage and has a History it become more beautiful…
You are amazing Steph, thank you for your update, it made me cry, I only hope for such strength in my life to come. Lots of love, Jamie
Thank YOU Steph!
Stay strong and busy Steph 🙂 Wish you the best future you can have from now and hope beautiful things come your way. All the best and hope to meet you some day 🙂
Healing hugs sent to you. May you continue to find peace throughout your days and nights. Please know others are thinking of you.
One day at a time. One moment at a time. Learning to tap into the spiritual connection with him, now minus the physical. He can hear you, and he will always be with you. Blessings and peace. <3
Wow! Steph, I don’t know you personally but I’ve followed your adventures for years and think of you as a mentor and hero to women in adventure sports everywhere. Thank you for your strength, motivation and heart. Sending you good vibes and positive energy from Japan 🙂
You must always choose life. We do not need to make sense of the chaos, please remember the phrase “suchness”. Life is as such, it is teaching us every day. You have taught many the joy of living for every moment. Your life is bigger than yourself Steph. Love
This is a link to a beautiful letter written by Richard Feynmann (greatest mind of the last century) to his wife after she died. So beautiful, http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/02/i-love-my-wife-my-wife-is-dead.html
I’m a 38 year old random climber fom California. My girlfriend and I follow you guys from time to time. Have always been inspired by you and Mario, and that’s from the outside looking in. Stay strong, be sad, keep moving, try smiling, grovel forward.
Jason and Renee.