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Talking About Life

• December 2007
• Uncategorized

Dear Steph,
I have been following your blog for a while and it’s been a couple of
months since I wanted to write you this email. Let me say first that I
deeply admire and respect you and your accomplishments. You can’t imagine
how inspiring you are to so many anonymous people like me…You have
expanded the limits of what is humanly possible in climbing and yet you
are so human, genuine and humble in your public appearances (I had the
pleasure to attend the talk you gave in NYC in April of this year) and on
your blog. (Thanks for not being one of those celebrity climbers/alpinists
that also give talks about ‘how to apply mountaineering tactics to
increase the productivity of corporations’.)

The reason I am writing to you is that I find myself at a crossroad in
life and thought that maybe you wouldn’t mind sharing some of your
personal experiences with me.

I am months away from finishing my phd in mathematics; have been at it
since my teen years; I am 28 now. I have degrees from prestigious schools,
certainly look good on paper. (But I lack in other aspects of life…)
People with my background are expected to go next and chase glamorous
academic careers or high-caliber industry jobs and make lots of money.

To some extent I have been realizing that so far I have been going on the
path that you are expected to go in life and without questioning it. I
worked hard for approval from ‘important people’.

Climbing has been a major part of my life since 03 when I discovered it,
but all I am is a recreational climber&alpinist of modest ability. A deep
voice inside my head is telling me that I am capable of so much more, but
in order to make that happen I have to dedicate myself fully to it. I look
around and it seems that all climbers and alpinists that are at the top of
the line have lived on the road for extended periods of time and dedicated
themselves fully to it. Being a weekend warrior will only take you so far;
if the head is not there fully engaged all the time, big things are not
going to happen.

My secret dream is to get a car and get on the road so as to make at least
a step towards taking my technical climbing to the levels where I want it
to be. I want to learn and get proficient at crack climbing, do bigwalls,
lead moderate waterfall ice and committing alpine routes.

I was just wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing with me some of the
thoughts and dilemmas that you might have had when you made the life
changing decision to quit the program that you were in at the university
and get on the road. Did you envision all possible future outcomes? Did
you overanalyze the situation; did you fear that your close ones, etc.
were going to disapprove the lifestyle that you made for yourself?

I am certain that many people in my life are going to drop me if I decide
to pursue that path, because they can only be around people that are like
them. My parents fall into that category; I guess I’m just trying to get a
little moral support from good people so as to have the courage to pursue
my dream.

I would be very very thankful if you would answer those questions for me
but I understand if it is personal stuff that you’d rather not share with
a stranger over the internet.

Best of luck to you Steph, and may all your climbing and flying dreams
come true!

Irina

PS: I am very happy to have a picture with you from your talk downtown NY.
I’ve dared to attach it.

Dear Irina,
Thank you so much for your good wishes and profound letter. You are not a stranger to me. I deeply value the opportunity to share thoughts with my community about real, important questions–that’s why I started this blog. It’s good for us to be able to talk to each other. And of course I remember meeting you in NYC!

I totally understand your struggle. When I started climbing, I was eighteen, at University of Maryland. I’d never even heard of climbing. I’d never gone camping. I didn’t do sports. I studied and played music–classical piano, flute, singing. My parents were (are) very conservative. They are also strongly opposed to anything risky. They encouraged me to study, do well in school, and become “successful.” They did not encourage anything frivolous or recreational, or even athletic! I was on scholarship during my undergraduate program, and was expected to make a 4.0 and continue on to get a PhD or a law degree…… So you can imagine the reaction from my family when I quit piano completely, and spent the summer living in my car and climbing. I exchanged to Colorado State the next year, where I got a Master’s. But when I finished that degree, I didn’t even go to the graduation ceremony. I just hit the road, and eventually became a waitress in Moab.

I have seen among my friends that men (in general) don’t struggle as much with the issue of support. Perhaps it is more accepted for men to break free and take the adventurous, uncertain path, or perhaps they just (in general!) worry less about relationships or the future….. But for me, and my other woman friends, it is a constant emotional struggle to pursue a nontraditional path. I have always craved support from my parents, but I have gradually come to accept that they are incapable of giving it, despite their great love for me as their daughter.

For twelve years, I found a substitute for parental/family support in the clothing company and gear company I worked with during that time, major sponsors who helped me to pursue climbing. I considered them both family, rather than just sponsors, and that feeling of support sustained me for many years when I couldn’t get it from my own family. So those relationships meant everything to me. It was devastating to me, emotionally, when both companies suddenly dropped me along with my husband Dean last year, after Dean soloed a rock in Utah and generated a bizarre flurry of controversy….. I realize now that I was very naive to believe that a corporation is a family, so my hurt feelings were actually my own fault. But when it happened, I felt abandoned and betrayed (as well as disappointed that in this day and age in the outdoor industry, I was dropped by those companies for being “Dean’s wife”). Because I had depended so much on that external support for so many years, losing it made me question my entire path, which I had not had to do since my early days as a climber.

For your question, about fearing that people will drop you if you pursue your path, I can tell you from direct experience that it hurts, very badly, if you depend on the support of others to sustain you. And what I realized this summer, as I relived these struggles, even more severely than when I was twenty-two and just following the sun, is that support from others–whether your actual family, your husband/boyfriend, or your most trusted friends, or your career–is not reliable. Period. Even the things you trust the most are not always going to be there if they are external things.

I now have learned that community and friends and family are very precious–but they are still external. Ultimately, the only thing I can truly count on is myself, and my own heart. I realize too, that I knew this instinctively from the beginning, and it’s why I have always followed my heart in times of adversity or lack of security or encouragement. If you shape your path to please others, you may be setting yourself up for serious disappointment if those people suddenly disappear. This is pretty scary, but also comforting in some way. Your path must please you, because you are the only one you will always be with. Climbing, traveling, learning, BASE jumping, running, being alone, skiing, writing, taking photos, talking with people, experiencing freedom and beauty in wild places–these are all things I need to do. This summer when I felt lost and hurting, I followed my heart, and it led me to free solo on the Diamond and to learn to skydive and BASE jump. I found my way again. I’ve learned that following my heart always brings me back to my path, whether I have support from others or not. It can be scary, but in fact, it is very simple once I strip everything else away.

The other thing I’ve come to learn is that death is the only thing we know for sure in life. At any moment, this life can be over. Or, we can continue living for many decades. It’s impossible to know. Either way, you must be happy with what you choose to do and be. Don’t settle for less than real satisfaction, whatever that is for you. For me, freedom is the biggest priority in my life. I can get freedom in many different ways, so it is really limitless.

So Irina, the best answer I can give you, from the things in life I know right now, is to allow yourself to find out who you are, and to let your heart guide you on your path. If academics are part of your passion, make sure they stay in your life. If traveling in your car is what inspires you, follow it. Your family and friends may surprise you, and they may support your choices. You may surprise yourself, as you discover what you really want. Over time you may realize that specific things you want and need to do may simply be a manifestation of your ultimate priority in life, which can be achieved in a myriad of ways. If your family is unable to support you in your search, try to remember that their disapproval comes from love and concern, even though it hurts you, and take a lesson from it of a better way to treat others yourself. The disapproval will make it hard for you, but it will also be a gift that forces you to be even stronger and more centered. Your heart is your only compass, and you are the only one you can count on for your happiness.

It’s not easy to be a strong woman, but you have no choice! That’s who you are. It will make things difficult sometimes, but it will also take you to amazing places. You must follow your dreams.

I wish you peace and adventures,
xxx Steph