“Silly Girly Question”
- November 2011
- Climb
Hi Steph,
First of all, I’m sure you’ve heard a lot that your very inspiring with you attitude towards climbing, life and yourself. That is why I hope you get time to read this yourself because it would be nice to hear your feedback on what may seem a very silly girly question.
For a year and a half now I’ve been dating a boy whose very existance depends on climbing and skiing. I love skiing, could do it all day. But I go to school in Arizona and he followed me here so that we could live together in the same place for once. Over the past years that I have been climbing off and on, more recently then ever it is more and more apparent that I am NOT a climber. Not on my boyfriend’s level anyway. But I still want to be a part of what makes him most happy….but I think I’m ruining it for him.
He doesn’t know many people here In Flagstaff except for a very good girl friend of mine who is more his level. They go on adventures where he comes back with a big shit eating grin that I never get to see because we live in the city and he is not a city boy.
Anyways it makes me VERY jealous….irrationally jealous. I am aware of how pitiful my problems are but I was wondering if you had any thoughts on, do you think that:
Can climbers and non-climbers have lasting romantic relationships together?
Thank you for your time and patience. Hope to hear from you soon.
🙂
Good luck with all that you do.
-Sarah
Hi Sarah,
Thanks for writing to me! My fiance is not a climber, he is a base jumper, though he does enjoy climbing and is a very generous belayer 🙂 I think it’s actually a good thing, to have different passions, as long as there is some place where they meet. If you and your boyfriend share skiing, and you are not opposed to some climbing days or belay duty, I think it seems like the ideal match–at least, recreationally….
I hope it works out for you both!!
Steph
I think the problem is that your describing yourself as a non-climber, even tough you climb!
I climb a couple of grades harder then my wife, and what the heck, it doesn´t matter, we can share the passion anyway!
What i´m saying is that maybe your and/or your boys aproach to climbing should be reconsidered. Just climb for fun when your out together, and not for numbers!
And believe me, if he loves you, you ar not ruining his experience when you´r with him at the crag!
/From Sweden with love (so excuse for bad spelling)
I agree with you Petter!
Hi!
I love climbing and downhill MTB, my partner loves her yoga and pilates, we do trek together, share some adventures, and do have different passions. I love it, i think it brings a good balance.
some things together, some things apart….i think it is the best!
I agree with Petter, if you enjoy climbing at your level, you are a climber and you two can have fun together.
If, on the other hand, you don’t like climbing and he continues to love it, I assure you this can work fine. Â Climbing is my passion and triathlons are my husband’s passion. Â We’ve been a couple for 34 years. Â Even back then, before he discovered endurance sports and I discovered climbing, we didn’t share passions on the surface. Â He was in science, I was an artist. Â He liked to be active, I liked to read and draw. Â I believe one of the things that makes us strongest as a couple is our independent interests and lives. Â The strength of our relationship is based on shared values and a deep love, trust and undying respect for who the other one is as a person. Doing everything together is over rated, especially through the decades together. Â Bringing different things back to the marriage about our different interests is really interesting. Â If your girl friend and your guy are people of integrity they can climb together and not overstep boundaries they should have in this situation. Â It is kind of a sensitive thing that me and my husband have had to workout too, but as long as we were open about it when jealousy did rear it’s head, we got through those situations by talking it out. Â I make absolutely sure my relationship with my male personal trainer or my male climbing partners has clear boundaries. Â Gushing too much over my workouts that I do with my trainer, or my amazing days with my male climbing partners was not the avenue to take if I wanted my husband to not feel jelous. Â I share a bit about myself, my workout achievements or climbing successes of the day but I don’t go overboard when I fill him in on my day.
Thanks for the excellent perspective, Annie. Congrats on the longevity of your marriage!
My husband is a climbing guide. Since he’s started guiding, I’ve been climbing less and less. Partially, this is due to my increasingly busy work schedule (I’m not lucky enough to be employed as a climber- someone has to pay the bills around here!). But a part of it is the change in our dynamic when climbing. He treats me like a client. I hate that.
We met because of climbing. We fell in love because of climbing. He asked me to marry him while climbing. As our climbing relationship started to change, I started to fear that our relationship would change as well. In short, I was afraid he wouldn’t love me anymore if I didn’t climb anymore.
One day, I confessed my feelings & fears on this subject to him. And what I learned is that he didn’t love me because I climbed. He loved me because of me. So its not important to him if I climb. What is important to him is that I understand his passion for climbing and that I give him the time and space to do that.
So our ‘agreement’ is that when we do get to climb together, its all about fun and just enjoying the day. If he has the ambition to do a harder line then I can handle, he does that on a different day, with a different partner. Sometimes those partners are women. I know them and they know me, so I don’t feel too threatened by them. But I also know that he loves me, not just the climber me, so I don’t feel the need to get jealous.
The interesting thing is that once I put this fear aside, I found a renewed passion for climbing myself. I still don’t get as much time on the rock as he does and our schedules are still such that he & I rarely get to climb together. But I started cultivating my own group of partners based on what I value about my climbing experience and its really brought a lot of the joy & fun back to climbing for me. It stopped being another “have to” when I let go of that fear of losing my husband, and became a fun “get to” that is my relief from the stress of everyday life.
Thanks Christa!
Dear Christa – we should be friends, LOL. My husband just started his career as a climbing guide, and I’m still adapting to it & trying to climb when I can! Thanks for sharing your experiences 🙂
Steph you are so sweet! Answering
all types of question, really paying attention to all those who read your
blog… Very nice!
thanks for visiting!
It can work! I’ve been with my husband for 30 years. I climb, he doesn’t. But he gives me the time and space to climb, and I give him the time and space to pursue his passions. It does help to have a spouse who doesn’t get jealous when you spend your days (and sometimes vacations) climbing with members of the opposite sex. He’s been terrific, letting our daughters pursue climbing and going on trips with me, and even quitting his job so we could move up to the Gunks where I had lots of friends and he didn’t. Respect each other’s passions, yet find time for each other and all will be cool.
sounds like a great partnership 🙂